Friday, January 24, 2014

photos from a trip to yellowstone last summer

I used to be so sure of everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. I used to think that because I liked writing, I would be a writer. That a job would fall into my lap and I could make money doing what I love. I used to think that because I wanted to go to school, someone would give me a scholarship. For being "unique." For just being me. I used to think that because I wanted to be loved, someone would love me. Like they do in the movies.

I used to think that because I bought a nice camera, I would be good at photography. I used to think that because I like fashion, only the newest, latest styles would do. I used to scoff at the idea of living paycheck to paycheck. I used to think money would just come whenever I needed it. I used to think the "s-word" was "sex." I used to think I didn't need to eat healthy or exercise. I used to think that college would be a breeze. I used to think that I would have studied abroad by now. Be fluent in Italian. I used to think I would be out of state. At a reputable university. Living in an apartment with exposed brick walls, reasonable rent and a breathtaking view. I used to think that if I willed something to happen, it would.

Now I know better.

Now I know that if I don't make time to write, I'll never be any good at it. Now I know that just because I want to go to school doesn't mean anyone has to give you a scholarship. In fact, you're one in 700 from your graduating class alone multiplied by all the graduating classes in your year. You are no one. Now I know that in order to be loved, you must love yourself before you can love another fully in return. And that the best kind of love is unscripted, very different from the movies.

Now I know that having a nice camera doesn't offer you admittance into an exclusive club where you're suddenly bestowed with the knowledge of how to edit and create real photos, it too is something you must work for. Now I know that fashion doesn't need to be bought from the most expensive places and often, no one even cares what you wear much less where you got it from. Now I know that living paycheck to paycheck is miserable and for too many people, it never stops. Now I know that money doesn't come from some mysterious source and that every hour spent working for it adds up to so little.

Now I know there are far worse words than "sex." Now I know that two simple things: good food and exercise make a world of difference for your health. Now I know college is anything but a breeze and there's no guarantee you'll get a job when you're finally finished. Now I know that when you don't have money, opportunities are limited. Opportunities and dreams like studying abroad, no matter how many "scholarships" they claim to have for you. I have learned again, if you don't have money, you are chained to the state you grew up in, doomed to watch others pay their way to bigger and better things. Now I know that just "believing in yourself" and "willing yourself" to be good and to do good isn't going to accomplish anything. Now I know.
And I've never believed more that ignorance,

is bliss.

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